Category: Articles

Articles

Bankrupt Howard Lutnick Spotted Stealing Parfaits From the Coop

After going all-in on KyleCoin, his son’s cryptocurrency, and subsequently losing everything, a scrambling Howard Lutnick has returned to Haverford to reclaim his funding once and for all. Student workers at the Coop claim to have interacted with Lutnick, disguised as a student, who asked for their entire stock of chicken tenders despite not having a single meal swipe to his name. Once his toupee … Continue reading Bankrupt Howard Lutnick Spotted Stealing Parfaits From the Coop

Jay WildLeave a comment
Articles

Sneak Peak: Projected 2021 Quaker Bouncer NFL Draft Picks

Need to choose a QB for your party? Here are our top picks for the 2021 Quaker Bouncer Draft Clint McClellan Are you distressed by the bouncers who try to make conversation as you enter the door? Not to worry. Enter the QB with the know-how to stay quiet and reserved. His piercing blue eyes and easily approachable frame give off the cool vibes that … Continue reading Sneak Peak: Projected 2021 Quaker Bouncer NFL Draft Picks

Maia Roark7 Comments
Articles, Lists

6 Nifty Tips and Tricks for Pregaming Your Next Wendy’s Worner

Let’s face it: Wendy’s Worner is nothing if not a drug-addled orgiastic rager, the likes of which would put Burning Man to shame. But, as everyone knows, this bacchanalian adventure is always BYOE (Bring Your Own Everything) which makes the pregame essential. Lucky for you, we here at The Consensus have compiled a sure-fire list of tips and tricks to make your next Wendy’s Worner a mid-afternoon to remember! Continue reading 6 Nifty Tips and Tricks for Pregaming Your Next Wendy’s Worner

Emmett Huiskamp19 Comments
Articles, Lists

Five Things You Can Relate to If You’re French-Canadian Hockey Legend Maurice “the Rocket” Richard

Not many people can say that they’re French-Canadian Hockey Legend Maurice “the Rocket” Richard, but for the lucky few with a claim to the Richard name, you know that life as a hockey superstar can be, well, different. If you proudly wear jersey number 9, here are some common experiences that are all too real for Francophone sports legends.  You played for the Montreal Canadiens … Continue reading Five Things You Can Relate to If You’re French-Canadian Hockey Legend Maurice “the Rocket” Richard

Abigail Meeker2 Comments
Articles

New Year’s Detox Plan: FGACHLUDP

With the holidays finally over, we all feel the regret that comes with having eaten an entire box of discounted chocolates the day after Valentines day. Instead of bottling up the shame of being a human who eats, why not channel that energy into a detox plan? Some experts advise that the healthiest way to treat your body is to eat in moderation. They tell … Continue reading New Year’s Detox Plan: FGACHLUDP

Eleanor Greene2 Comments
Articles

Freshman Overwhelmed by Responsibility of New Plant

As new First-Year students are thrust into Haverford college life each year, they are introduced to a long line of Haverford traditions. With classic events like Supa fun, Screw Date, and slipping on the floor of Gum basement, freshmen are bombarded with opportunities to navigate their new home. For most, these experiences elicit fond memories. For a certain unlucky student however, one of these time-honored … Continue reading Freshman Overwhelmed by Responsibility of New Plant

Eleanor Greene1 Comment
Articles

Investigative Report: Has Anyone Seen My OneCard?

Last Thursday, a Consensus correspondent reported that I can’t, despite my best efforts, find my OneCard. Upon bringing the issue to the attention of the editorial board, the Consensus immediately launched an investigation into whether anyone has seen it. The inquiry accelerated after an internal review revealed that I totally just saw it, like it was literally just here I’m not even kidding. Though the … Continue reading Investigative Report: Has Anyone Seen My OneCard?

James GarlandLeave a comment
Articles

Campus Safety Dissolved, Replaced by Squirrels With Knives

In an unexpected move, Haverford College Campus Safety has been officially disbanded. The organization ceased to exist Monday, October 12 when Tom King pulled the plug on its funding, immediately terminating all campus safety employees. “We simply do not have room in the budget for 20 salaried individuals who do the work that 350 squirrels with knives could easily complete,” King revealed in a later … Continue reading Campus Safety Dissolved, Replaced by Squirrels With Knives

Elaina Sassine and James Garland3 Comments