Last Thursday, a Consensus correspondent reported that I can’t, despite my best efforts, find my OneCard. Upon bringing the issue to the attention of the editorial board, the Consensus immediately launched an investigation into whether anyone has seen it. The inquiry accelerated after an internal review revealed that I totally just saw it, like it was literally just here I’m not even kidding. Though the … Continue reading Investigative Report: Has Anyone Seen My OneCard?

In an unexpected move, Haverford College Campus Safety has been officially disbanded. The organization ceased to exist Monday, October 12 when Tom King pulled the plug on its funding, immediately terminating all campus safety employees. “We simply do not have room in the budget for 20 salaried individuals who do the work that 350 squirrels with knives could easily complete,” King revealed in a later … Continue reading Campus Safety Dissolved, Replaced by Squirrels With Knives