BREAKING: Following slumping polling numbers, the Biden reelection campaign has decided to drop Kamala Harris from the ticket. Washington insiders speculated that she might be replaced with Pete Buttigieg, Gretchen Whitmer, or Gavin Newsom. In a shocking turn of events, however, President Biden gave the nod to Wendy Worner, President of Haverford College. Experts cited her particular expertise in Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion as a major part of the decision. This also helps Biden in the swing states, with Wendy having experience at Haverford and Davidson College, crucial college demographics Democrats hope to keep competitive in 2024. When asked why he chose Wendy Worner to be the nominee for 50th Vice President of the United States, Biden simply said, “Enough with the malarky around here.”

Meanwhile, Kamala Harris has been busy settling into her new role as President of Haverford College. Experts have been puzzled as to why she has decided to serve as President of a small liberal arts college in Southeastern Pennsylvania, but the former Vice President clearly has a plan. She sent an email to @hc-allstudents shortly after taking office:

Kamala Email:

The former vice president then gave an impromptu speech. “We did it, Peanut!” she proudly proclaimed to an empty and lifeless Founder’s Green. Yes, you heard it right, Peanut will remain at Haverford. Rest assured, dear reader, the most beloved figure at Haverford today, will continue to serve his duties here.