In an unexpected move, Haverford College Campus Safety has been officially disbanded. The organization ceased to exist Monday, October 12 when Tom King pulled the plug on its funding, immediately terminating all campus safety employees. “We simply do not have room in the budget for 20 salaried individuals who do the work that 350 squirrels with knives could easily complete,” King revealed in a later statement. “We’ll miss our loyal officers, but it’s time the College moves in a new, ecologically-inclusive direction to accommodate the demands of the student and rodent populations.” In his official press release, King acknowledged the vast potential of squirrels on campus, citing the squirrel population density as a main motivation for his new order. “There’s tons of squirrels. Tons of them,” said King. “There’s at least 350, maybe 450, we can’t really know. One thing we can be certain of, however, is the fact that they vastly outnumber our former Campus Safety officers. Student safety is my priority, and squirrels are the innovative direction the college needs to move.”

S.Q.U.A.D., or the SQUirrel Active Defenses, will replace the title of “Campus Safety.” Students have enthusiastically embraced the new acronym, excited to add another string of nonsense letters to their ever-expanding Haverford dictionary. “We love acronyms,” commented one anonymous first year. “They’re good.”

Some members of the administration have questioned King’s decision on the grounds of viability. King, however, has been steadfast in defending his efforts: “The idea came to me when I was out for my bi-weekly midnight nature trail stroll. I stopped before a squirrel attempting to open a nut. After the squirrel cracked it with its teeth, I marveled at the power of its jaw. I couldn’t do that with my teeth, I thought to myself. Once it had opened the nutty capsule of delectable nourishment, it turned to me and said—oh wait. You know what, now that I think about it this was just a dream I had. Please stop recording. I’m serious. Stop, plea–.”

King declined further comment, though we did reach out to the squirrel in question for her perspective. As the future head of Campus Safety, she is an impressive 1 pound 5 oz. and has successfully birthed over 20 squirrel babies. Unfortunately, she quickly escaped up a large tree when approached by our crew, but with time, the Consensus feels we will crack her shell and reveal the richness of squirrel beneath the exterior. Regardless, she is intimately familiar with the fauna of the arboretum and can use that wildlife knowledge to arm the College against previously unforeseen attacks. 

This is the first of many steps the college is taking towards its ambitious goal of carbon neutrality by 2035.