Haverford’s favorite digital safety system, Duo PushTM has been vastly upgraded. In a statement on Monday, President Raymond elaborated on the many updates. “You asked, and we delivered!” she enthused in Leeds Tent. “We’re finally bowing down to student demand. Haverford’s security systems will be expanded with multiple non-intrusive measures!” Unlike any other college, we here at Duo SecurityTM have had to implement special protections … Continue reading Duo Push™ becomes Duo Shove™

Alright, I’ll be honest with you guys. I’ll be perfectly fucking candid. I don’t know how any of you are out here eating brucetta. It’s appetizer pizza without the cheese. What’s the point? Not only that, but it’s crunchy enough to break your goddamn braces. Listen, if I’m gonna break my braces, it’s gonna be because of something worth my time. Like a Honeycrisp apple, … Continue reading It’s Time I Confess – I Don’t Understand Why People Order Bruschetta

Dear Reader, I am writing for advice about my love life. After a long year, I’ve decided to jump back into the dating scene, but it’s been hard to open myself up again after some of my past love experiences. I have more baggage than most, so I think it would just be easier to explain myself.  It all started with my first love, Derek. … Continue reading Open Letter: Men are Germs

After going all-in on KyleCoin, his son’s cryptocurrency, and subsequently losing everything, a scrambling Howard Lutnick has returned to Haverford to reclaim his funding once and for all. Student workers at the Coop claim to have interacted with Lutnick, disguised as a student, who asked for their entire stock of chicken tenders despite not having a single meal swipe to his name. Once his toupee … Continue reading Bankrupt Howard Lutnick Spotted Stealing Parfaits From the Coop