7 C-Domain Classes You Should’ve Signed Up For You Dipshit
If you’re one of the 96 people signed up for Astronomical Ideas, this list is for you! Continue reading 7 C-Domain Classes You Should’ve Signed Up For You Dipshit
John Fetterman Thanks the Haverford College Democrats for Senate Win
“I would like to thank the Haverford College Democrats for handing me this easy Senate win,” said John Fetterman (53M), with a grateful thumbs up protruding from his right shoulder. “If it was not for this organization, there is absolutely no way I could have kicked Mehmet Oz back to New Jersey. They provided such a strong, critical support in one of the most contested … Continue reading John Fetterman Thanks the Haverford College Democrats for Senate Win
Which First-Year Dorm Are You?
Moral Support Win! The Barefoot Guy Across From You In Lutnick Just Touched You With His Toes
Who let the dogs out? And who trained them to be so comforting? That’s right: the barefoot guy across from you in Lutnick Library just touched your leg with his toes. Continue reading Moral Support Win! The Barefoot Guy Across From You In Lutnick Just Touched You With His Toes
The DOs and DON’Ts of Plenary
Yes, it’s that time of the year. Plenary is finally upon us! As we all know, etiquette is key, so we at the Consensus have compiled a definitive list of Plenary rules so you don’t humiliate yourself like you did last semester. Continue reading The DOs and DON’Ts of Plenary
Gal Gadot Rescues Polar Bear from Melting North Pole: “Meet Lovey Dove”
If Gal Gadot knows anything, it’s how to respond to massive-scale catastrophe. That’s why she took a stand and airlifted a single polar bear out of the North Pole, so that it can not only survive but thrive under the LA sun. In a post on Wednesday, Gadot beams and throws her arm around her new buddy. She captioned the photo: “The cutest polar bear … Continue reading Gal Gadot Rescues Polar Bear from Melting North Pole: “Meet Lovey Dove”
Opinion: I Would Rather Die Than Call It “Wawa with Wendy”
Is this some kind of sick joke that I don’t get? Is this some manner of twisted jest directed personally at me–your most loyal devotee? Are you kidding me, Dr. President Wendy Worner? Wendy’s Worner was a perfect name and you just threw it out. And for what? I am on my knees here begging for an answer–begging for things to go back to the … Continue reading Opinion: I Would Rather Die Than Call It “Wawa with Wendy”
6 Things NOT on the Coop Secret Menu
As an avid Coop enjoyer, I’ve heard a lot of hubbub from wide-eyed idiots about the Coop secret menu. And sure, there’s some cool stuff there. But there’s way more that ISN’T there. And I’m here as a messenger to show you the truth: the stuff the Coop doesn’t WANT you to order: Water Did you know, that if you ask the Coop for a … Continue reading 6 Things NOT on the Coop Secret Menu
Student Acquitted After Slaying Lutnick Barista Amidst Broken Espresso Machine Crisis
Haverford, PA – At approximately 3:55 p.m. on May 2, 2022, after a lengthy 5-week trial, an anonymous Haverford student was acquitted of all charges after violently murdering a Lutnick barista. The incident occurred after the frequent cafe patron told the student, “I’m sorry, but our espresso machine is broken.” According to witnesses, the student screamed in fury and pelted an onslaught of Lime bubly™ … Continue reading Student Acquitted After Slaying Lutnick Barista Amidst Broken Espresso Machine Crisis
Pussy is Power. But what if it was a Renewable Energy Source?
As the earth hurtles deeper into the climate crisis, consumers and businesses alike hunger for novel sources of green energy. Earlier this year, a team of scientists at Yonix Inc. made a vital and timely breakthrough. They discovered how to harness the power of the world’s greatest renewable resource—the human vagina. How did these scientists tap that? The researchers have created “The Coochinex™,” a patented … Continue reading Pussy is Power. But what if it was a Renewable Energy Source?
