As an avid Coop enjoyer, I’ve heard a lot of hubbub from wide-eyed idiots about the Coop secret menu. And sure, there’s some cool stuff there. But there’s way more that ISN’T there. And I’m here as a messenger to show you the truth: the stuff the Coop doesn’t WANT you to order:

Water

Did you know, that if you ask the Coop for a cup of water, they won’t give it to you? In fact, not only will they not give it to you, official Coop policy is to spit on the customer and ask if they are still thirsty.

Ham and Cheese

I’ll let you in on one of the Coop’s biggest secrets: They don’t actually have any Ham and Cheese. They just tell people they do cause it sounds respectable. They don’t even know how to make it, really. 

Piss

Alright, hear me out. This is huge. Who are the Coop workers to judge me for ordering piss? Huh? What if I have a medical condition, huh? What do you mean ‘you need a doctor’s note?’ Why don’t you just trust me on this one, and go in the back and make me some salty lemonade? The AUDACITY of some people…

Degradation

Okay, I can see you judging me. And I’m not here for it. It’s not hard to degrade me, to call me a little piss boy, to use some creativity to shame and humiliate me. But for whatever reason, they won’t do it. They refuse to make me their little piss-lover bitch boy, no matter how much I beg for it. I have to ask for water to get even a little shame.

Any Human Emotion

Come to think of it, all my interactions as a customer have been completely emotionless. Not like normal retail apathy, the servers’ eyes actually turn entirely black before they ask “WHAT SHALL YOU CHOOSE” in an ominous voice. There’s no further comment, nothing until I swipe my OneCard and they declare “THE PACT IS SEALED”. Anyway, a smile might be nice. I know you’re possessed by a demon, but STILL, a smile would be nice.

Ham and Cheese

Seriously stop asking. I don’t know why you think they make it. What is a Ham and Cheese? You think this is some kind of gourmet fancy show?  This is the Haverford College Coop, not the Ritz Carlton. They serve food, and nowadays They don’t even serve it, they just kinda leave food out for us animals.