At the beginning of the school year, many Haverford students noticed that “Pokémon Go” was an option on the Phys-Ed App Activities document. Most wrote this off as the College trying to be “hip with the kids,” but one local student has been taking his PE credits a bit more seriously. Derek Crawford (19) has been turning heads recently after his recent transformation from a scrawny, stick-like Ford to a hunky, beautiful beefcake of a Black Squirrel. After reports that he has never been seen in the GIAC, the Consensus reached out to Crawford to find out more about his metamorphosis:

Thank you so much for meeting with us today, Derek. Your biceps look as bulbous as ever. 

Thank you, I know.

First and foremost, who’s the man beneath that tight shirt?

Well, I used to be the guy who’d sit in his room all day. Instead of “catching them all,” I just caught feelings for fictional characters. Like most Haverford students, I spent a lot of my days just working and reading Honor Council abstracts. It can all get really rigorous, especially with all of my workouts throughout the day. I wouldn’t trade this lifestyle for anything though. I can’t imagine going a day without catching at least 75 Pokémon. I think I’d lose my mind, my toned glutes, and my status as the top trainer on campus.

Can you tell me more about your workouts? Is it true that you’ve never been to the GIAC?

Yep, that’s true. All of my workouts come from Pokémon Go. Tossing heavy balls at unsuspecting creatures while roaming around Founder’s really gets the blood pumping, and doing it with Pokémon is even better. I started playing in the fall since it seemed like an easy way to fulfill the PE requirements. At the time, I had barely ever exercised in my life. In fact, my friends started calling me “Milk,” since my body weight was only 2% muscle. Once I saw how invigorating Pokémon Go was, I set out to go from Milk to Man.

Well, you may not be Milk anymore, but you sure are a tall glass of water! Although, I thought Pokémon Go mainly consisted of walking? How’d you become a certified member of the Swole Patrol?

That’s a common misconception. In reality, each Bulbasaur gives a blast to my biceps, every Gloom works my glutes, and all the Abras really help highlight my abs. Combine all of that with the nonstop running that it takes to find them all, and it’s simply invigorating. Honestly, I can’t believe that anyone would choose something different for PE credit. Haverford’s offering us the workout of a lifetime, and everyone is simply squandering it.

The only catch is that I have to send a log of all the hours I spend on it to Susan McCabe at the end of each week, and she never believes me when I say that I spend 6 hours a day on the app. She took me to Honor Council earlier in the year, but they let me go after I hit ‘em with one of these bad boys. (Derek proceeded to flex his calves for us).

I’m in awe. Thank you for sharing your lovely legs. Besides that stunning body, how has Pokémon Go affected your life?

I’ve been asked out on a few dates, which is pretty new for me, but I haven’t really been able to pursue a relationship since they always ask to meet me during peak Jigglypuff hours. That’s the only time that I can get a good thigh workout each day so, naturally, I’ve had to turn them down. Plus, with my current status on P-Go, it’s clear that they’re just trying to get a free Aerodactyl. It’s not happening. People only started to ask me out a few months after I started playing, right around the time that I claimed every Pokémon gym in the Tri-Co, so they obviously aren’t into me just for my charm.

That’s horrible! You’re as enchanting as you are Herculean. Just out of curiosity, when exactly are peak Jigglypuff hours? 

6:45 to 8:50pm. 

So, would you be available around, say, 9:00pm this Friday for an evening in Suburban Square with someone who doesn’t have Pokémon Go and would never try to leech off of your skills?

No can do. That’s when I have my post-workout Pokémon battles. And what kind of person doesn’t have Pokémon Go?

Got it, cool, no worries, I’ll download it. If your schedule is too strict to take out any of your admirers, how do you get your schoolwork done?

Actually, academics have gotten much easier. Most of the professors will trade extra credit for rare Pokémon, so my GPA has risen from a 3.2 to a 4.3 over the past few weeks, even though I’ve barely turned in any work. Even the most strict professors can’t resist a free Lapras. I also get an extra academic credit for volunteering to train others in the arts of catching and battling, so I’m only taking 3 classes right now.

Amazing. A selfless scholar with a body that just won’t quit. If anyone is lucky enough to see him in action, please be sure to take a picture and send it to me directly. Thank you so much for your time Derek, and happy catching!