Yes, it’s that time of the year. Plenary is finally upon us! As we all know, etiquette is key, so we at the Consensus have compiled a definitive list of Plenary rules so you don’t humiliate yourself like you did last semester. Continue reading The DOs and DON’Ts of Plenary
If Gal Gadot knows anything, it’s how to respond to massive-scale catastrophe. That’s why she took a stand and airlifted a single polar bear out of the North Pole, so that it can not only survive but thrive under the LA sun. In a post on Wednesday, Gadot beams and throws her arm around her new buddy. She captioned the photo: “The cutest polar bear … Continue reading Gal Gadot Rescues Polar Bear from Melting North Pole: “Meet Lovey Dove”
Is this some kind of sick joke that I don’t get? Is this some manner of twisted jest directed personally at me–your most loyal devotee? Are you kidding me, Dr. President Wendy Worner? Wendy’s Worner was a perfect name and you just threw it out. And for what? I am on my knees here begging for an answer–begging for things to go back to the … Continue reading Opinion: I Would Rather Die Than Call It “Wawa with Wendy”
Haverford, PA – At approximately 3:55 p.m. on May 2, 2022, after a lengthy 5-week trial, an anonymous Haverford student was acquitted of all charges after violently murdering a Lutnick barista. The incident occurred after the frequent cafe patron told the student, “I’m sorry, but our espresso machine is broken.” According to witnesses, the student screamed in fury and pelted an onslaught of Lime bubly™ … Continue reading Student Acquitted After Slaying Lutnick Barista Amidst Broken Espresso Machine Crisis
As the earth hurtles deeper into the climate crisis, consumers and businesses alike hunger for novel sources of green energy. Earlier this year, a team of scientists at Yonix Inc. made a vital and timely breakthrough. They discovered how to harness the power of the world’s greatest renewable resource—the human vagina. How did these scientists tap that? The researchers have created “The Coochinex™,” a patented … Continue reading Pussy is Power. But what if it was a Renewable Energy Source?
Haverford’s favorite digital safety system, Duo PushTM has been vastly upgraded. In a statement on Monday, President Raymond elaborated on the many updates. “You asked, and we delivered!” she enthused in Leeds Tent. “We’re finally bowing down to student demand. Haverford’s security systems will be expanded with multiple non-intrusive measures!” Unlike any other college, we here at Duo SecurityTM have had to implement special protections … Continue reading Duo Push™ becomes Duo Shove™
Mmm… soup’s on, boys! You can’t wait to get your grubby paws on this classic Coop cuisine! Continue reading 7 Items On The Coop’s Secret Menu That You HAVE To Try
Alright, I’ll be honest with you guys. I’ll be perfectly fucking candid. I don’t know how any of you are out here eating brucetta. It’s appetizer pizza without the cheese. What’s the point? Not only that, but it’s crunchy enough to break your goddamn braces. Listen, if I’m gonna break my braces, it’s gonna be because of something worth my time. Like a Honeycrisp apple, … Continue reading It’s Time I Confess – I Don’t Understand Why People Order Bruschetta
“There once was a girl bird named Gertrude McFuzz And she had the smallest plain tail ever was. One droopy-droop feather, that’s all that she had And oh! That one feather made Gertrude so sad She curled it. She dyed it she gave it a puff She decked it with flowers But it wasn’t enough.” Do the lyrics to the classic song “The One Feather … Continue reading 3 Frail Birds That Have my Dream Body
Dear Reader, I am writing for advice about my love life. After a long year, I’ve decided to jump back into the dating scene, but it’s been hard to open myself up again after some of my past love experiences. I have more baggage than most, so I think it would just be easier to explain myself. It all started with my first love, Derek. … Continue reading Open Letter: Men are Germs
