Hi y’all! Us folks down at the Consensus only believe in a few things, and that’s ourselves, money, and the inescapable predictive power of constellations (stars?) at the time of your birth! That’s why we decided to publish this horoscope, to give you something to cling to, a rock amidst the indeterminately vast ocean of crushing uncertainty! Enjoy! Aries (March 21 – April 19) Like … Continue reading The Consensus Horoscope
Friends, despite the fact that Consensus writers are paid $8 per word, it brings me no joy to report that the undeniably stunning Founders Hall will be removed on July 21st, 2024. Continue reading “They Paved Paradise and Put Up A Parking Lot”: Say Goodbye To Founders
Amidst the brittle February cold, New Acorn Party (NAP) forces marched upon the Haverford student council and seized governmental control. Continue reading Student Government Toppled In Violent Coup: Nobody Cares
Holy shit! Due to the appalling state of first-year dorm bathrooms, Customs will now include modules on the proper expulsion of bodily waste. Continue reading Customs 2024 Will Include Slideshows On Potty-Training
In a surprise statement to the Haverford student, faculty, and alumni community on Tuesday, President Wendy Worner announced the latest addition to her ambitious Haverford 2030 plan: rivaling Ivy League prestige and exclusivity by achieving a 1% acceptance rate. Continue reading Haverford 2030 Pledges 1% Acceptance Rate
Haverford College Campus Safety. HCCS. The fellas in red. They are a world-class bunch, ensuring a serene campus. These warriors, the best and the brightest, document their various battles in the campus safety weekly incident reports. Continue reading Campus Safety Reports: A Year In Review
We’ve all been there: the DC is serving “Bang Bang Tilapia,” and you’ve got a hankering for Pad Thai. You spend $30 on DoorDash and anxiously wait for your delivery, only to realize that you have to venture out into the elements to pick it up. Now, your noodles are cold, your wallet is empty, and your night is ruined. Friends, venture no more. The … Continue reading Res Life Grants OneCard Access to All DoorDashers
Vegas had nothing on the Gummere basement Friday night. Haverford sophomore Owen Robertson’s inner alcoholic and inner workaholic squared off in a charity boxing match, where all the proceeds went to the U.S. GDP. His inner workaholic, Larry, led the night early, convincing Owen to spend five hours in the library working on a single problem set. This effective attack consisted of the depressing conviction … Continue reading Sports! Charity Boxing Match Between Inner Alcoholic and Inner Workaholic
A local student suddenly and inexplicably received the curse of consciousness this last Tuesday as he stopped to tie his shoes. While dealing with this mild annoyance on his way to class, the man was struck by the realization that he had no discernable interests, hobbies, or passions. One of his friends, Frankie Grout, had this to say: “You know, it’s not like he’s silent … Continue reading Drat! Area Man Suddenly Cursed with Recognition of The Self
Opted out of Acorn Books? Don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet because Health Services has recently announced, in collaboration with Purdue Pharma: Acorn Meds! Haverford’s medication rental program that promotes inclusion by letting students break their bones without breaking the bank. What are the details of Acorn Meds, you might ask? It is a semester-by-semester program that allows students to pay upfront for a … Continue reading Health Services Announces Acorn Meds
