Friends, despite the fact that Consensus writers are paid $8 per word, it brings me no joy to report that the undeniably stunning Founders Hall will be removed on July 21st, 2024. 

Yep, our favorite landmark will soon be replaced with nothing but smooth concrete.

Dean McKnight made the official announcement on Tuesday following questions about an increased presence of contractors on campus. He proudly proclaimed that this project will be funded entirely using your tuition money and is the first step in a strategic plan to “finally put those dollars to good use,” and “reduce carbon emissions.”  

By Fall 2024, the plot of land that once cradled the iconic building (soon to be renamed “The North Lot”) will be completely clean-shaven, providing a space for students and faculty alike to sit amongst parked cars atop the hot, lustrous concrete and reflect upon their nostalgia for the sweet hourly tones of the Founders Bell. Leaked blueprints reveal plans to construct a glass box in the center of the flat area, which will house President Worner’s office in an effort to foster transparency for her daily duties. All other Haverford employees currently working within Founders will be relocated to The Tunnels.

Local contractor Percy Grables has assured Consensus reporters that the iconic structure will not be demolished, but rather air-lifted off the ground by a fleet of HaverCopters and gifted to Villanova as a declaration of respect. Villanova’s administration has not promised anything in return, and reportedly requested a gift receipt in case Founders Hall does not align with their “rigorous standards of aesthetic excellence.”