BREAKING: The rats have aligned.

The Rat Union^☭ of Lunt and the Rat Society™ of Comfort have signed a pact, allying against the United Rat Republic^Ⓡ of Jones. This pact has drastic consequences for the rat and human populations of the North Dorms, and spells a dire future for all of Haverford College. Tension and concern about the Jones Rats has been mounting for weeks, due to their large size and general belligerence. Experts claim that the Jones Rats have been successful due to careless food waste by Jones residents. Other possibilities such as mass attacks on unsuspecting first-years have contributed to the Jones Rats threat. The data backs up this theory: the number of unidentified human corpses with hundreds of bite marks has exponentially increased since the signing of the pact. This is the first instance of cross-dorm rat alliances since the Chevy Chase Incident of 1962. 

Experts in the field are saying this is an unprecedented development and one that all Haverford denizens—rats and humans—should fear. Consensus correspondents have reached out to various authorities, asking for comment. A spokes-squirrel for the Natural United Trail of Squirrels reached out to the Consensus to comment: 

“Cheep Cheep” [This threatening act of provocation has cast the entire Haverford community into shock. Such an escalation will not be tolerated, and we shall bring this up at the next plenary. For the time being, the N.U.T.S. will maintain our dearly-fought neutrality and continue to monitor the situation.] 

What can we do about the situation in the meantime? We recommend all human readers travel in packs until the situation changes. Keep watch for any unnaturally tall people in trench coats: both rat factions have been known to impersonate humans before violently eviscerating them.