Hi y’all! Us folks down at the Consensus only believe in a few things, and that’s ourselves, money, and the inescapable predictive power of constellations (stars?) at the time of your birth! That’s why we decided to publish this horoscope, to give you something to cling to, a rock amidst the indeterminately vast ocean of crushing uncertainty! Enjoy!

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Like a ram, or goat or whatever, you’re direct and to the point. Also like a ram, you’re focused on yourself in relationships. Try to focus on having some alone time today, Aries. This will help you redirect your energy, relax your need for self-assertion, and allow you to view the world with a softer, more appraising eye. 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’re thoughtful, Taurus, and maybe a little dim. Think things through a little harder, Taurus, you don’t want to be a bull in a china shop! In all seriousness, use your brain a little more. It was cute the first time, now people just wonder if you’re stupid. 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Gemini, never doubt yourself. No matter what anyone else tells you, never, ever, for a single instant, wonder if what you’re doing is wrong. It isn’t. If it is, who cares? The others are jealous of you. But it’s not their fault. They simply weren’t born right. Not like you, Gemini. No matter what the others think, say, or imply, you’re better than them. And you always will be. And fuck Scorpios for making people think there was a worse sign than them. 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Alright, Cancer, we all know how much you like to spend money, so maybe cut a little back this week, alright? If you find yourself with an urge to splurge, don’t! Your bank account ain’t looking too hot, and I wouldn’t want you to get your card declined ordering snow crab at Red Lobster. So just stay home a little more, go out a little less, and eat more top ramen! 

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You’re a lion, Rawwwwrrrgghh! Wowza, just the thought of it makes me a little green to my gills…

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You’re gonna find love this time. Really, it’s gonna happen. And when it does, it’s going to be completely effortless, and solve all your problems, and fulfill everything you ever wanted. You’re not gonna expect it to happen, or maybe it won’t happen the way you expect, but don’t worry, everything will be alright. Just make sure you don’t screw it up. Not much to look forward to after this. Actually there’s nothing to look forward to after this, so REALLY make sure you don’t screw it up. This is it.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Shut the fuck up. Like, SERIOUSLY shut the fuck up, LIBRA.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You know, a lot of Horoscopes (and Tarot, for that matter) largely function as therapeutics. They reassure you, give you good advice, maybe suggestions about things to do to help you relax or connect with the people around you. But all this implies that someone cares for you, Scorpio, and I simply do not. I have nothing to offer you, because I have no desire for you to get better, Scorpio. I don’t care for you, Scorpio, and I never will. You’re not even the spider in my kitchen because I help those creatures, Scorpio. You’re not the spit from my mouth because that had a purpose once, Scorpio. You’re not even the piss from my urethra, Scorpio, because my disgust towards that is nothing compared to my loathing for you. If I could end poverty or end Scorpio(s),  Call me Ronald Reagan cause I think you know what choice I would make. And I promise you, one day you’ll get what you deserve, Scorpio.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You need to get your shit together, Sagittarius. Like seriously. You need to work this shit out. The other signs get something fun, not you. I’m not kidding, Sagittarius, we’re past the stage of taking a day off and maybe working things out a little bit. We need a full reset. The semester just started, buddy, and you need to lock in. Maybe put down the reefer, pal, and get your shit together, alright? 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

From the little I’ve read, I understand that Capricorns are very pragmatic, and very much concerned with the big picture. To that end, I conclude that Capricorns don’t read horoscopes, and even if they made it this far, don’t believe in astrology. Ergo, I won’t bother writing anything for them. If you believe yourself to be a Capricorn and are unsatisfied by this answer, you’re not a Capricorn. 

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

There have been many accomplished people born in Aquarius: Lincoln, Darwin, Ed Sheeran. What I mean to say is that big things are expected, Aquarius. You can’t let us down. I have no advice to give, only expectations to demand. You should get to work.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Honestly, I’m not sure about you guys, I usually get pretty bored by this point in the horoscope. Like sorry, I guess, but I just can’t get myself to stay interested in other people’s futures for that long. I gotta tell ya, I don’t think anyone really pays attention to yours. 11/12 of us have already gotten our futures. I can’t even remember if you guys are the artsy ones or it’s Aquarius. I think my Grandma’s a Pisces? Maybe it was Pablo Picasso. Good luck!

Wowza, now the future is made clear! Go forth, dear reader, and proceed blindly. We have seen your path, and foresee no pitfalls ahead. (except for you, Scorpio, we foresee a great fall into hell, where you belong.)