Amidst the brittle February cold, New Acorn Party (NAP) forces marched upon the Haverford student council and seized governmental control. After a month of email-based infighting within the existing administration over the budget deficit, estimated by experts to be upwards of $24, all co-secretaries defected from the existing party, eschewing Quaker values and igniting a violent revolution. Classes went on as scheduled.
NAP forces, three people strong, were buffered by Campus Safety squadrons, who lent their paramilitary expertise in exchange for “a little damn respect” and “something from the vending machine.”
This unlawful seizure of power was condemned by the Peace, Justice, and Human Rights “Department,” who denounced NAP’s commitment to rule Haverford with an iron fist, as well as the coup’s carnage: dozens of hurt feelings and one case of COVID. Bryn Mawr heavily sanctioned Haverford, resulting in declining availability of free dental dams. More seismic still is the halting of Adderall imports from Swarthmore, which is projected to decrease the average STEM grade by 14%. Penn initially threatened to secede from the Quaker consortium, but donor backlash led to establishment of diplomatic relations with the NAP.
NAP’s new policy priorities include “making sure the Blue Buses run on time,” as well as the execution of opposition leaders. The execution was delayed after no students attended, because NAP did not offer free boba tea. President Wendy Worner was criticized in a Haverford Clerk article for not condemning the executions, and a later exposé leaked her audio from behind closed doors:
Finally, I don’t have to talk to those little shits. The full extent of their naivete baffles me–honor code this, global leadership that–the world operates according to money and power. Any ideals are but mere clothing for the world’s true power players.
This should have raised outrage, but it didn’t, because no one reads the Clerk. Haverford students were asked about their reactions to the coup. Their responses included:
“Does this mean I’ll get less junk mail?”
“I could really care less.”
“We have a student government?”
The Consensus will continue to update you about this conflict. Whatever happens, one thing is for certain: no one will give a shit.
