Haverford, PA – At approximately 3:55 p.m. on May 2, 2022, after a lengthy 5-week trial, an anonymous Haverford student was acquitted of all charges after violently murdering a Lutnick barista. The incident occurred after the frequent cafe patron told the student, “I’m sorry, but our espresso machine is broken.” 

According to witnesses, the student screamed in fury and pelted an onslaught of Lime bubly™ cans at the barista, with one lucky hurl throwing the barista unconscious. 

Happy for some actual news, The Consensus conducted a campus-wide survey on the trial. (Unlike the Campus-Climate survey, all 101% of Haverford students responded to this poll.) When asked whether the attack was warranted, 80 percent of students responded, “Yeah, I would’ve done the same thing.” 15 percent of students said they “Would’ve used yogurt parfait cups instead.” And finally, 6 percent of students replied, “The espresso machine is still broken?” 

In the end, the student was released on all murder allegations but was still charged a fine of $500 for damaging a library sensor that they kicked at the last moment on their way out. Said a library spokesperson, “We will not condone any damage to our precious sensors. Their beeping brings us joy.” However, when asked to comment on the other issue on trial, they responded, “I’ve been waiting years for that to happen,” and then promptly giggled and scuttled away into The Stacks. 

In other news, the next Wendy’s Worner will have a plethora of free (slightly damaged) Lime bubly™ should you choose to join the fun.