Vegas had nothing on the Gummere basement Friday night. Haverford sophomore Owen Robertson’s inner alcoholic and inner workaholic squared off in a charity boxing match, where all the proceeds went to the U.S. GDP. 

His inner workaholic, Larry, led the night early, convincing Owen to spend five hours in the library working on a single problem set. This effective attack consisted of the depressing conviction that if he got a bad grade in his math class, he was a worthless failure. It proved to be a punishing combo with the sinking realization that all of this work was to build a life of crippling despair. 

Commentators Willy Loman and Gregor Samsa remarked: “Larry’s performance here, it’s incredible. I have to admit, we might be seeing someone who rivals even us,” before doing their douchey sportscaster chuckle.

But Owen’s inner alcoholic, Bob, was quick to counter. After convincing Owen to drink alone in his room in order to “Pregame for the pregame,” he piled on shot after shot of cheap vodka, trying to remember that these were the best years of his life. This continued with semi-rhythmic head nodding to music in a sweaty basement. Thoroughly intoxicated, he had Larry on the ropes. But an email from a professor about a new assignment shot fear through his heart, so after Owen sent a drivelous email to his professor, his inner workaholic had won the day.

In Larry’s words: “You know, I thought about giving up and realizing that people use work to feel less pathetic, but then I remembered that I am only worth what I economically contribute.”

What’s important to remember is that whoever wins in the ring, the real winner is the self-hatred within all of us.