Need to choose a QB for your party? Here are our top picks for the 2021 Quaker Bouncer Draft

Clint McClellan

Are you distressed by the bouncers who try to make conversation as you enter the door? Not to worry. Enter the QB with the know-how to stay quiet and reserved. His piercing blue eyes and easily approachable frame give off the cool vibes that say he won’t start a conversation until you’re good and ready. And even if you do start a conversation, there’s a fairly good chance he won’t contribute until he feels moved to speak. But be warned, by the end of the night, his long pondering lapses of silence may lead you to spill your innermost thoughts and maybe even confess your dying adoration for McClellan, which he sadly won’t hear because of the super cute earbuds he’s wearing. 

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Penny Williams

Looking for someone to liven up your night? Well, Penny Williams is SPICEY- as in she values Simplicity, Peace, Integrity, Community, Equality, and of course, You over all else. She also runs a catering business on the side. We tried some of her hors d’oeuvres, but they were too spicy.

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Arnie Oakes

The best of the best. Need something to hold your chips? An avid antique china collector, this QB’s got a plethora of super bowls to satisfy all your snacking needs. He named them rose, sugar, orange, cotton, peach, and fiesta (that one’s for special occasions only). 

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Jonathan Cole

Our Most Valuable Peacemaker of this year’s picks. Packing 300 pounds in a 6’7 build, Jonathan Cole may appear intimidating but not to worry, this QB’s heart shines as bright as the neon yellow bandana he sports on his left arm. Did you accidentally shove the guy next to you when trying to reach for the last White Claw? Cole will be right there to console you with a box of the Quaker Oats that gave him his bulk.

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John-Todd Lincoln

This year’s top rookie pick. Has a considerable advantage over the other current draftees due to his twelve years at The Haverford School. He also completed a 7-week summer internship program for Quaker ninjas. No one’s ever seen him, but some say they feel his aura pulsating from the shadows of Lunt Basement. Just know: he’s there.