In the aftermath of frustration surrounding room draw, Haverford’s residential life has made a popular decision for once: the introduction of newly renovated apartments “for boys”.

Much of the criticism surrounding the apartments has often been their cleanliness – students often feel too scared to really “live” in their space. “I’m just always on edge here, man. If I ever spill something I drop to my knees, tear off my shirt, and use it to sop up the mess,” says Junior Chris, a Junior. “It’s fun sometimes, but it’s pushing me to the brink, man.”

While “pushing students to the brink” is found in the initial mission statement of the college, Haverford can respect and understand students’ desire to choose another path. In order to extend an olive branch to this minority, the renovations on Apartment 18 will be focused on appealing to “the boys.”

We talked to Morton Clinton, a distant relative of the historic U.S. president and face of the movement at Haverford, about his thoughts: “The ‘boys’ lifestyle isn’t really about, like, gender identity or sexual preference or anything like that. It’s really a state of mind. Anyone can be one of the boys. We just want to be able to live our lives unencumbered by the confines of a shirt and/or pants.”

In the theme of just taking a damn chill pill, Residential Life has announced new features for the select apartments. The bathrooms will no longer feature a toilet or a sink, only a shower with no curtain, and a cupholder next to the nozzlehead for easy showerbeer access. All bodily excretions can be handled in a gender-neutral urinal placed along a wall in the common room, or in the newly designated “splash zone,” which is the front of the building. Residents are responsible for any handwashing they choose to implement.

The kitchen itself will not have such dramatic changes; while the sink there will be filled with concrete, the general layout will be the same. Notable differences include that there will be no doors on the cabinets, at least one of the stovetop burners will always remain on, and there will be an additional minifridge dedicated strictly to beers. A sensor in the minifridge will set off an alarm if anything besides a fermented alcoholic beverage is present. Some of the boys are concerned this could allow for kombucha to slip through the cracks, but hope that the Honor Code will prevent this issue from occurring in the first place. 

All white surfaces have been tinted a little yellow so as not to raise concerns of cleanliness. In lieu of toilet paper, maintenance will instead leave a six pack of Natty Lite at apartment doorsteps every other week. Smoke detector covers have also been installed to increase the ease and accessibility for hotboxing. All bed frames have been removed, and renovated into a record-sized beer pong table in the basement, where jabroni counseling sessions will also be held.

We talked to Freshman John, a senior, about his thoughts: “We really appreciate Haverford’s dedication to upholding this long standing tradition of guys being dudes, dudes being guys, and vice versa.”