As the earth hurtles deeper into the climate crisis, consumers and businesses alike hunger for novel sources of green energy. 

Earlier this year, a team of scientists at Yonix Inc. made a vital and timely breakthrough. They discovered how to harness the power of the world’s greatest renewable resource—the human vagina. How did these scientists tap that? The researchers have created “The Coochinex™,” a patented “suction hose” that harvests the natural byproducts of vaginal flora. What started as an emergency means of Jade Egg removal now has the potential to heat the equivalent of all 96 remaining SoupPlantation establishments.

But what’s the catch? Through rigorous medical testing, studies have found that people suffering from yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis produce up to 17x more energy (in wattage) than those with healthy fanny flora. Former lead researcher, Dr. Debra Messing, is a vocal anti-Chooch advocate: “If this machine goes to market,” she stated off the record, “it will just create demand for people with abysmal vaginal health. The consumer just isn’t ready for this kind of groundbreaking technology.” However, Yonix Inc. representatives assure investors that each person selected for energy production will undergo various tests. Their updated marketing approach centers the “everywoman.” They have since proposed a new lead slogan:

“Girlies with vaginal problems, making vaginal solutions.”

The Coochinex™ will soon be available for commercial use as soon as it passes through rigorous FDA, USDA, OSHA, and USN approval.