Rage Against the Woke Machine

This conservative Rage Against The Machine cover band is here to rock! And by rock, I mean not rock the boat. This band is convinced that Rage Against The Machine is a conservative band rebelling against the liberal establishment. They’ll blow you away with such hits as “Killing in the Name of (tax cuts)” and “(Wall Street) Bulls on Parade”

A cardboard cutout of Lana del Ray

Yeah so we really wanted to get Lana del Ray, but apparently we “cannot come close to affording” a concert and should “stop contacting Ms. Del Ray in perpetuity.” So we got the next best thing: a cardboard cutout of Lana Del Ray with a Bluetooth speaker duct taped on! Now it’s just like the real thing! We’ll even send some BLAST technician to wobble it around every once in a while. Whoa, she’s dancing like crazy up there!

Dave Matthews’ Band

Dave couldn’t make it, so it’s just some other guys.

Bee Gees cover band

One of the frontrunners! After multiple underwhelming Haverfest headliners, this year they finally just decided to give up. This cover band insists on performing shirtless as well, despite every member being at least 68. At least they’re disco??

The “What does the Fox Say“ Guys

Yeah, they have other songs. I bet you didn’t even know their names, did you? They’re called Ylvis. Crazy, right? It’s like Elvis with a Y. Shit’s wild. They’re Swedish or something too.

Adam Sandler

Adam Sandler.

ABBA but its just four random IKEA workers

Who represents disco more than ABBA! So for Haverdisco, we got four real-life Swedes to come perform. Now, we didn’t know where to get real-life Swedes, so we just got some workers from IKEA. One guy says he doesn’t work there, but who really goes around wearing a yellow golf shirt?

The most disastrous open mic of all time

Yeah, I don’t know ‘bout this one. I got a bad feeling is all.

All of the acapella at once

We sure love acapella groups here at Haverford, and so, for Haverdisco, we decided to have all of them perform. All at Once! That’s right, for this Haverfest, every acapella group, even the secret one, will be up on stage harmonizing. Or trying to harmonize at least. To make it extra fun, we didn’t even tell them beforehand! We can’t wait to see what fascinating vocal melodies occur.

Nerd House vs. Lit House freestyle rap battle

We thought we should spice it up a little. So, in a wholly unpredictable move, we’ve decided to let the Nerd House and Lit House host a freestyle rap sesh. Watch out, dudeskis! These rhymes and beats will be hella lit, fam! Comment #TeamNerdHouse or #SquadLitHouse to show your support!

The Sesame Street Puppeteers, but they forgot their fucking puppets again!

The world-renowned, but adorably forgetful, sesame street puppeteers are coming, but they forgot those goddamn hand-sized stuffed animals. What they have in store for us has been described as “the greatest feat of the fingers by white people donning glasses in this century” and “a mesmerizing display of finger wiggling” by Forbes. We can’t wait to watch their digits dance!