With the holidays finally over, we all feel the regret that comes with having eaten an entire box of discounted chocolates the day after Valentines day. Instead of bottling up the shame of being a human who eats, why not channel that energy into a detox plan?

Some experts advise that the healthiest way to treat your body is to eat in moderation. They tell us to consume plenty of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. However, here at Consensus Wellness, known as COOP,* we feel that the FDA are weaklings. To prove your worth this new year, try the COOP Feel-Good, Aura-Cleansing, Hydrating, Life-Uplifting Detox Plan (FGACHLUDP). On this plan, you will be eliminating: dairy, gluten, grains, red meat, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, legumes, eggs, soy, salt, oil, alliums, spices of any kind, fish, dried fruit, and any source of heat for cooking (yes, the sun counts!).  Remember that this plan is NOT a diet, but instead a lifestyle change.**  

While developing this plan, we here at COOP have learned that you do have to eat in order to live. To remedy this, we have developed a variety of satisfying recipes that comply with our high standards for health and the unsavory demands of your fragile human form. Remember to listen to your own needs, but if your body tells you it wants a Big Mac, push that urge deep down like you did with your emotions during your failing marriage.

*No association with the Gwenyth Paltrow cooperation GOOP

** Our lawyers require us to disclose that we do not recommend you follow this plan for more than 5 days. 

Day 1:

Start off your day with a COOP chocolate pudding consisting of an entire avocado sprinkled with cacao nibs, goji berries, and activated charcoal. Remember to eat the skins because that’s where all the nutrients are!

For lunch, we have engineered a delicious veggie plate! That’s right: raw carrots, celery, cucumber, asparagus, and sweet potato chunks — all to be dipped in our COOP exclusive “ranch dressing.” For the “ranch,” blend up half a cup of cashews in your Vitamix along with a half cup of water, parsley, and various mushroom powders of your choice. If you don’t have a Vitamix, feel free to use a mortar and pestle. 

With that, why not try out our faux-atcha™? Our faux-atcha™ is made from locally-sourced Tibetan rocks ground into a fine powder. This silica-dense dust is then slowly churned with Vitamin b12 supplements and raw oak leaves to give you a product that tastes nothing like matcha, but does cost $70 per ounce. 

Even the best of us need a tasty, mid-morning perk-up! If your caffeine withdrawals are particularly rampant, this energy-boosting snack combo will be sure to carry you through the day.

11 cashews, 7 almonds, and ⅓ of a dragon fruit, and a glass of flax milk. 

Nut allergy alternative:

Now, if you are allergic to nuts, just remember that you are weak and that natural selection is coming for you. 

For dinner menus, we like to go back to basics. We love a rich nourish bowl as much as the next Upper East Side gal, but those are a little too heavy for our simplicity-centered reset this year. For dinner, get three raw potatoes. Lather in tahini and enjoy!

Day 2-5:

Repeat Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner from Day 1. However, feel free to make this plan your own and try out your own recipes (within the restrictions of the plan, of course)!

By the end of the week, you’ll feel fully refreshed and a little light-headed. But don’t worry! That’s just the feeling of the toxins leaving your liver and kidneys (we cannot speak for the pancreas).