Alright, I’ll be honest with you guys. I’ll be perfectly fucking candid. I don’t know how any of you are out here eating brucetta. It’s appetizer pizza without the cheese. What’s the point? Not only that, but it’s crunchy enough to break your goddamn braces. Listen, if I’m gonna break my braces, it’s gonna be because of something worth my time. Like a Honeycrisp apple, Werther’s Original Chewy Caramels™, and friends. Not your stale slate of a baguette. 

I’ll tell you what, these aren’t even my biggest gripes with “Brusketta.” It’s the tomatoes that truly make me call the orthodontist. They’re like, whole tomatoes. And for what? To have the acidic tomato juice (pH 4.65 on a good day) erode the metal on my teeth and bring my orthodontic appliance to a boil? If I have to endure whole tomatoes, then at least let them not unleash a sea of trouble on my ever-shifting teeth. Can’t we have one alkaline tomato? Scientists haven’t found a way to make a tomato basic in this day and age so a guy can take a bite of a juicy tomato without a $3000 appointment on his hands? This is yet another reason that I cannot fathom the idea of paying money to have the metal tooth correctors in your mouth fall off and go down your throat only for the metal to give you a huge stomach ache.

So tell me people, why are you ordering brushetta when you know your mom is gonna have to call the pediatric orthodontist while you sit on the toilet talking on the phone with your psychiatrist? 

P.S. Anyone looking to hang out this weekend? My mom said we can stay up until 11:30 now!