On Wednesday, head of Health Services and Wellness Guru Kathy McGovern announced to the nation that Health Services will soon be demolished and completely rebuilt as a combination KFC/Taco Bell. 

In her tearful address, McGovern stated that Haverford College has “outgrown” Health Services in its current capacity and that the new mixed franchise will “provide more emotional, physiological, and pharmaceutical aid to the student population than Health Services ever could.” The demolition will begin with a bang, with the Morris Infirmary set to be pelted with rocks by the current medical staff until it crumbles over winter break. Construction will start soon after, so you can expect to trade your Band-Aids for Baja Blasts this coming Spring.

There will not be a drive-thru.

The Consensus reached out to passing students to gauge public opinion on this stunning new innovation.

“I never wanted to speak up about it, but out of all the times I visited Health Services, the only time I felt truly cured was when the receptionist gave me a KFC 2-Piece Drum & Thigh Combo to enjoy while I waited for my appointment,” said sophomore Frankie Grout. “Knowing that I can get this kind of support anytime I need it is a real relief.” 

While concerns have been raised about the restaurants’ ability to keep up with the constantly sick and frail student population, we can all agree that Haverford’s newfound emphasis on health is Finger-Lickin’ Good!