With Haverford College’s newest financial windfall from O.J.’s life insurance policy, the board of trustees announced a plan to replace the Blue Bus system with a brand-new gondola route termed the “Blue Boat”.
“We realized that the disappointment surrounding the new electric Blue Bus isn’t that the seats are too tightly packed, or that there are no railings to hold on to, or the motion sickness that students feel while riding,” said trustee Michael Phelps, “It’s just that buses are so… pedestrian. What these kids want most out of their liberal arts education isn’t a grasp of their field of study, not a thirst for knowledge, definitely not a job – no, what they want is just to go with the flow. And that’s where the idea for a gondola came in.”
While this move may be seen as reminiscent of new and popular public transit systems in Italia, the director for this project, John Doula, was hoping to create something that could remind students of a summer vacation on their quaint, old family timeshare in Italy. Of course, however, with the amenities of a romantic little boat!”
The start and stop points of the route will remain the same, but instead of having to stall at intersections along Montgomery Avenue, students will be able to appreciate the lazy river that is the Main Line.
“I’m personally very excited for the development,” says sophomore Carmen Syde. “Students don’t really want a moral or intellectual high ground, we just really want a little boat with a guy singing in a language that isn’t English.”
Initial development plans involved the flooding of Montgomery Avenue, but the College didn’t feel like this was in line with its theme of destroying affordable housing.
The college will construct canals beginning and ending at both Bryn Mawr and Haverford Colleges, which will take the most scenic path through the surrounding neighborhood,. This will involve haphazard destruction of affordable housing, as well as a lighthouse being mounted straight through the center of the ACME on Lancaster.
We attempted to reach out to local residents for comment, but were quickly met with envelopes filled with anthrax sent right to our office doors, so we decided it would be best to just save our asses on this one.
Given the seeming popularity of this development, the college has already begun plans to build additional routes to Swarthmore and to the Suburban Square Trader Joe’s. “One day,” says Doula, with a glimmer in his eyes, “We might even be able to take it down the Schuylkill to the greatest city of all – Venezia.”
