In a surprise statement to the Haverford student, faculty, and alumni community on Tuesday, President Wendy Worner announced the latest addition to her ambitious Haverford 2030 plan: rivaling Ivy League prestige and exclusivity by achieving a 1% acceptance rate.
Through clenched teeth, President Wawa expressed her frustration with the public’s continued confusion between Haverford and Harvard. “No longer will our students face embarrassment when telling their friends and family that they do not attend Harvard University,” she said, seemingly shaking with rage. “It is my solemn pledge to you that, by 2030, Haverford College will be the most selective, esteemed higher learning institution in the United States.”
When asked about how this goal would be achieved, a beet-red Wendy Waymond told the press: “by painting the town crimson.” She did not accept further questions. Wendy’s speech concluded with the promise that a task force would be assembled for this monumental task within the day.
Hours later, the Consensus confronted the seething president in her chambers where she confessed that she was “having more trouble with the [REDACTED] taskforce” than she initially thought. She explained that the admissions team was uncomfortable with the prospect of denying eligible students for the sake of exclusivity, and thus they were “swiftly dealt with.” When Consensus reporters asked how her actions would impact admissions for the Class of 2029, President Wendy Wendy, with steam shooting out of her ears, shouted:
“There will be no Class of ‘29! There is only Haverford 2030. In six years, higher learning as you know it will cease to exist.” She stood from her chair, growing to a towering 9 feet. “Put this on the record: Harvard will fall, and the so-called Ivy League will cry tears of black and scarlet.” The whites of her eyes began glowing a vibrant yellow. “Let 1833 be known as the dawn of the collegiate apocalypse, and 2030 as the year of reckoning.” A demonic, baritone voice layered atop her words. “Only the cream of the crop, the top bananas… the Nuttiest Squirrels will bear the badge of honor that is a Haverford College hoodie.” She smashed her desk into splinters with one strike of her fist. “It shan’t be long, Friends, until you can say without a smidge of embarrassment, ‘No, Aunt Debra, I did not attend Harvard. I attended Haverford.’”
Harvard University has not released a statement at this time.
