I felt a wave of darkness wash over me in my political science class when I heard my peer Thaddeus Cummings, notable Haverford College Republicans member and devout Protestant, say “let me be the devil’s advocate” in our class discussion about wealth disparities affecting Middle America. The ominous feeling looming over me was not superstition – the devil was in this classroom, and he was about to turn my friend (in the Quaker sense) Thaddeus into a puppet for his sinful speech. I felt my inner Catholic senses emerge, and led by Jesus Christ, I lept into action.

Emerging from my seat, I lunged towards the conduit of evil situated across the room, and pulled off the navy sweatshirt tied loosely over the shoulders of his salmon Vineyard Vines shirt. I raced behind him, grabbing his arms and pulling them back around his chair, binding his wrists with a two half hitches knot, immobilizing his possessed body from thrashing about. Just as he was about to yell in frustration to unleash his demon tongue, I forced his mouth shut with my left hand and anointed his forehead with my holy water dropper bottle I keep on my person at all times. I ripped the cross pendant off of my neck, holding it in his face as I recited Ave Maria’s until I felt the demonic presence leave his soul as his body stopped flailing and accepted the exorcism that has freed him. As I removed my hand from his forehead, I saw his face present to me a look of confusion; although he hadn’t quite understood what just happened, I knew he was grateful. I kissed him on the cheek platonically. I knew the Lord’s grace saved the day, and I was but His humble servant, serving His will.