As new First-Year students are thrust into Haverford college life each year, they are introduced to a long line of Haverford traditions. With classic events like Supa fun, Screw Date, and slipping on the floor of Gum basement, freshmen are bombarded with opportunities to navigate their new home. For most, these experiences elicit fond memories. For a certain unlucky student however, one of these time-honored traditions proved more terror than treat. 

On September 15th, Valerie Fishdale received a small, unassuming Cactus plant from the Haverford Farm—known colloquially as “Haverfarm” among the youth on campus. “I was like, ‘what the fuck is this?’” Fishdale told the Haverford Consensus. 

According to Fishdale, she had been avoiding eye contact with the farm’s workers who had set up shop handing out free plants outside the DC for weeks. Unfortunately, one of her friends had ‘snagged’ her a plant thinking it would be a nice present. It wasn’t. Fishdale stated, “We’re no longer friends.” 

Although the Cactus is notoriously one of the world’s most indestructible plants, Fishdale reported fears of over-watering, putting it in too cold or too warm of a spot, or saying something that would make the plant feel uncomfortable. “They can sense feelings you know,” Fishdale said emphatically, “they feel your aura, and I don’t need that in my life. I know I’ve got bad energy.” When pressed about what she intended to do with the plant, Fishdale got a panicked look in her eyes, “Oh god, I can’t be a mother.” 

Fishdale declined to comment on her intentions for the future of the Cactus. 

UPDATE 10/17/20: We received reports of a small, orphaned succulent on the interior windowsill of Barclay staircase, owner unknown.