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Bachelor #1

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Hello! I’m a philosophy major, and let’s just say I’m DTF- down to Foucault ;). I know us philosophy men have a reputation for being a bit egotistical but don’t worry. I’m not like other guys. When I interrupt women in class, it’s only because I can’t contain how much I appreciate their contributions, and it’s my duty to use my privilege to speak on their behalf. The reason I am so compassionate towards women is that I have a lot of feminine flavors within me. I’m not usually able to be so vulnerable, but there’s a connection between us, so I feel comfortable telling you that I don’t enjoy hyper-masculine activities like football and video games. Instead, I prefer more whimsical activities like poetry and skateboarding. In fact, I feel that I can best capture my attraction towards you and all the beautiful women of the world in the poetic form known as free verse. Here goes nothing:

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Bachelor #2

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Hey there! I’m that guy who your mom started up a conversation with on move-in day. Every time she calls you, she brings me up, asking how that nice Jewish boy is doing and telling you what a pleasure I was to talk to. I’m pre-med, and I like to spend my time tutoring kids, serving food at soup kitchens, and cooking French cuisine. Let’s face it, I’m husband material, and your mom just can’t get enough. But that’s not the only reason your mom loves me. The real reason your mom loves me is that I love her. Felicity loves me because I’ll treat her like the woman she is. I’ll take her on adventures. I’ll take her to places she’s never been. I’ll even take her to see the Grand Canyon like her dipshit husband- I mean your father, Craig, who Felicity tells me you have a very strong relationship with- never did. Did you know that in all their years of marriage, Craig’s never gone down on her, not even once? Well, let’s just say that when I come to town, that’s going to have to change 😋 😋 😋

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Bachelor #3

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Oh? You think the coronavirus pandemic has been an overall tragic event? I get where you’re coming from, and I don’t mean to be too much of a devil’s advocate, but I feel like there are some perspectives that you’re failing to take into account. In my opinion, cancel-culture can be dangerous, and we need to think critically before we cancel the deadly airborne virus known as Covid-19. For example, I know millions of people have died from Covid worldwide, but the 10 extra minutes of sleep I get from having virtual class and not needing to walk across campus each morning have done wonders for my sleep schedule. Also, America’s 614 billionaires have collectively grown their net worths by $931 billion this year! How can you not feel proud of them? Aside from the way it brings tears to my eyes to think about how happy Jeff Bezos must be to see that $90.1 billion boost in his wealth, this is a good thing for everyday Americans because of trickle-down economics…Oh shit, please don’t avert your eyes downwards. I get a boner every time I mention trickle-down econo…oh shit. Give me a second to clean myself up… Anyways, back to what I was saying. I get that your parents’ restaurant went out of business and your college savings are now going towards medical bills for your grandma, but I’ve discovered that my new kink is when they jab me in the nose for my Covid test, so who’s to say how things really balance out as far as “good” and “bad” during these times? Also, now that there aren’t any parties, I don’t have to feel bad about never being invited….Wait, you mean to tell me people are still having parties? In a pandemic?!??!!!!? Well in that case, um, ouch, why didn’t anybody tell me? I would have loved to go. 

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Bachelor #4

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What’s up? I’m just a chill dude who likes drinking beer and hanging out with da boys. You like what you see in that picture of me at my family’s lake house? Pretty, sick, huh? But, did you know that upwards of 98% of the guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures have no intention of taking care of that fish and merely use the fish to lure women into thinking they are manly enough to be able to provide for their woman? Hearing about that kind of fucked up shit makes me so mad. Well lucky for you, I’m not like other guys. This is Edmund. He’s not just my best friend. He’s my only friend. I take him everywhere I go and give him little sips of water to keep him alive. Don’t worry. He’s not dead. He’s just tired. If you wanna get with me, Edmund is gonna have to approve, so we’ll see if you pass the test. Be warned. His standards are pretty high, and he has a preference for blondes.