Haverford’s favorite digital safety system, Duo PushTM has been vastly upgraded. In a statement on Monday, President Raymond elaborated on the many updates. “You asked, and we delivered!” she enthused in Leeds Tent. “We’re finally bowing down to student demand. Haverford’s security systems will be expanded with multiple non-intrusive measures!” Unlike any other college, we here at Duo SecurityTM have had to implement special protections for Haverford College. Here are just SOME of the exciting features!
Five Devices
Have you ever been completing your Duo PushTM and wondered, “what if this was more tedious?” Now, with the Duo ShoveTM, you won’t have to worry about that again! The new Duo ShoveTM will require you to click that annoying notification on at least five different devices! We don’t want anyone to hack into your account and steal the unfinished husks of words you call essays.
Retinal Scans
Is responding to a push notification or a text too much work for your lazy ass? How about a retinal scan! The New Duo ShoveTM now features a retinal scan, fingerprint tests, and a rectal test all to ensure your Haverford account is kept safe. Haverford may not be able to afford sinks in the North Dorms or black mold removal in Gummere, but we’ve shelled out the big bucks for you here. After all, hackers only want one thing and one thing only: to gain access to your Moodle account and the syllabus for a class you gave up on long ago. You may not deserve this gift, you worthless bastard, but Haverford College will protect your Bio 215 page with all its resources.
Faustian Bargain
Is that not enough security for you? Well, how about this! Implemented in the new Duo ShoveTM, users will be required to fill out a Faustian bargain to sign in! At least once a week, you, dear Haverford reader, will have to sign away the rights to your soul to access your account. Like Faust of old, you will receive rewards beyond measure, such as the safety of knowing your rarely viewed inbox will go on ignored as usual. Or how about knowing no malicious actors can log in and get lost on Bionic just as you do! All that and not much more can be achieved for the low low price of eternal damnation. Your soul’s not even worth anything, you lazy piece of shit, what’s the big hullabaloo?
