Holy shit! Due to the appalling state of first-year dorm bathrooms, Customs will now include modules on the proper expulsion of bodily waste. This change was unveiled Monday by the Haverford Customs team:

“You know, when we were planning Customs, we covered a lot of concepts that should have been taught in about second grade. But we thought that you guys would at least know how to peepee and poopoo. Come on.”

A recent BS (Bureau of Statistics) poll has found that a shocking 63% of Haverford first-years are not yet housebroken, and that 32% of Haverford students have described handwashing as “Mostly optional.” President Wendy Worner has signaled approval:

“At Haverford, we help cultivate well-rounded thinkers and global citizens. These modules will be an opportunity for our unique student autonomy to help make our toilets less fucking disgusting.”

She then suggested one of these classes be taught by Peanut, because “even she could do better.”

The new Customs program will teach tricky concepts such as “getting your pee inside of the toilet” and “flushing the toilet.”  Additionally, department chairs have signaled that these issues will be explored through multidisciplinary academic approaches. The Fall 2024 catalog will include offerings such as “CRAP H192: Intro to Bodily Functions,” and “FART H223: Taking The Piss: Media Representations of Urination.”

For some reason, Bryn Mawr has not reported any such issues.