After going all-in on KyleCoin, his son’s cryptocurrency, and subsequently losing everything, a scrambling Howard Lutnick has returned to Haverford to reclaim his funding once and for all. Student workers at the Coop claim to have interacted with Lutnick, disguised as a student, who asked for their entire stock of chicken tenders despite not having a single meal swipe to his name. Once his toupee fell off, however, sources say that Howie went berserk. The Coop’s characteristic alt-rock tunes came to a halt, and all that anybody in a 300-foot radius could hear were the disgruntled huffs and puffs of the Cantor-Fitzgerald CEO as he filled his arms, Haverford Bookstore tote bag, and jean shorts with parfaits. Shouting “I paid for these, liberals!,” he stormed out the back door and made a beeline for the Library Café. Needless to say, students should expect a shortage of snacks and new libraries for the foreseeable future.

Howard Lutnick has not responded to our request for a comment at this time.