Everyone knows that Haverford students have a 70% chance of failing all their exams and getting kicked out of college. Luckily, The Consensus has compiled a savvy list of lucrative careers for students to turn to in case everything goes to shit. Best of luck on finals.
Bartender
- You know what a true superpower is, Monica? The 24/7 ability to drink your life away, one goddamn sip at a time. At this point in your life, you’ve definitely imbibed enough alcohol to be a true connoisseur of drinks. Even though you’re nineteen, you can definitely impress any bar you interview at with your in-depth knowledge of hard seltzers.
EMT
- Ever feel like a potential career is staring you right in the face but you just aren’t seeing it? If you bomb your exams and take a lonely, helpless walk around campus to feel sorry for yourself, be sure to stop by the HCA ambulance to ask if they need any help saving lives. Surely your extensive knowledge of Noam Chompsky and Reimann sums will do the trick.
Raft Guide
- Remember that one summer you worked as a river rafting guide on the Snake River? You had a crush on that cute guy Derek who said that his philosophy for life was to just, “go with the flow.” Sigh. You know that most raft guides are college students who only help out for a summer or two, but what if you made it your whole career? Spending eight hours a day surfing rapids isn’t that stressful, right? Maybe if you push it to ten you could retire early and move to Santa Monica with Derek.
Wind Turbine Technician
- Ever wanted to work in a secluded confined space but don’t want to replicate The Lighthouse? Become a wind turbine technician! Explore the same looming heights with the added perk of watching the little spinny things go around and around without the crushing isolation! But not to worry, if you’re ever feeling down on the job, you can just hang in a windmill tower for a few days. Who of your family members would ever notice that you’re gone?
- Pro Tip- Be wary of dead birds.
Ventriloquist
- We all know it was your childhood dream to drop out of college and win America’s Got Talent with your stellar ventriloquist act, Gary. Just because three other AGT winners won the series with puppet acts doesn’t mean that yours can’t be one-of-a-kind. It’ll take serious guts to tell your parents that your true passion is not biology but in fact Georgio, the puppet. But if your liberal arts education taught you anything, you just need to believe in yourself and anything can come true. Or did Georgio say that?
