“There once was a girl bird named Gertrude McFuzz

And she had the smallest plain tail ever was.

One droopy-droop feather, that’s all that she had

And oh! That one feather made Gertrude so sad

She curled it. She dyed it she gave it a puff

She decked it with flowers

But it wasn’t enough.”

Do the lyrics to the classic song “The One Feather Tail Of Miss Gertrude McFuzz” from Seussical ever hit a little too close to home? Well if you’re anything like me, a girl who spends her days in parks pining for the physiques of small birds with legs too thin to hold their bodies upright, you can bet your tail feathers they do! After months of analysis, here are the top 3 birds that have my dream body: 

1. Gwendolyn

Gwendolyn won’t shut up about the fact that she’s Bella Hadid’s cousin twice removed. But if we’re being honest, she doesn’t even need to brag because those legs say it all. One glance at Gwendolyn’s thigh gap, and all of a sudden I’m vomiting blood. #envyvomit

2. Piper

Piper and I have history. I was actually up for the role of Piper in the Pixar short Piper (2016), but they ended up giving it to Piper due to her being an “actual bird.” Well, when it comes to my opinion on that, I’ll let scholar Scarlett Johansson do the talking: “You know, as an actor I should be allowed to play any person, or any tree, or any animal because that is my job and the requirements of my job.” But still, despite Piper’s unfair avian advantage, even I have to admit she does have that classic Hollywood look. Even Zooey Deschanel couldn’t compete with those eyes!

3. Tweety, my ex’s new boyfriend

Tweety. That damn twink stole my man. Because of Tweety, I cry myself to sleep, longing for Gerald’s warm touch. But each night, when I’ve cried all my tears and am at the edge of slumber, without fail, I whisper to myself, “Good for you, Gerald. Tweety is an upgrade.”