As the earth hurtles deeper into the climate crisis, consumers and businesses alike hunger for novel sources of green energy.  Earlier this year, a team of scientists at Yonix Inc. made a vital and timely breakthrough. They discovered how to harness the power of the world’s greatest renewable resource—the human vagina. How did these scientists tap that? The researchers have created “The Coochinex™,” a patented … Continue reading Pussy is Power. But what if it was a Renewable Energy Source?

Haverford’s favorite digital safety system, Duo PushTM has been vastly upgraded. In a statement on Monday, President Raymond elaborated on the many updates. “You asked, and we delivered!” she enthused in Leeds Tent. “We’re finally bowing down to student demand. Haverford’s security systems will be expanded with multiple non-intrusive measures!” Unlike any other college, we here at Duo SecurityTM have had to implement special protections … Continue reading Duo Push™ becomes Duo Shove™

Alright, I’ll be honest with you guys. I’ll be perfectly fucking candid. I don’t know how any of you are out here eating brucetta. It’s appetizer pizza without the cheese. What’s the point? Not only that, but it’s crunchy enough to break your goddamn braces. Listen, if I’m gonna break my braces, it’s gonna be because of something worth my time. Like a Honeycrisp apple, … Continue reading It’s Time I Confess – I Don’t Understand Why People Order Bruschetta